Bearers of Heavenly Moonlight

A family member suggested to me a couple of weeks ago to take the time to read the talks from the most recent Priesthood session of General Conference. No cause, no particular reason for the suggestion at that time, not that I could tell. But still, it seemed good advice. I read one of the talks, was moved by it, but then put the Ensign down.

Last night, I had something of a breakdown. A few things I was heavily invested in did not pay off as I hoped they would. My fragile brain broke and went a lot of places I didn’t want it to go. When this happens—as someone with bipolar disorder, this does happen from time to time—I feel I’m in what I call a “black cloud,” where my brain chemistry gets off balance and I see every goal in my life as a failure, every situation with despair, every desire as wicked and unworthy on my part, every sin or transgression as putting me too far out of the reach of the Savior. It feels like I am in a cloud of darkness, unable to see any light at all and indeed literally impossible to feel the Spirit or God’s love. Usually I am able to work through it, and pass out the other side. It’s not always in my control and what dispels the cloud is always different, something I can’t predict but that God inevitably has waiting for me. When it’s gone, everything feels normal again and I wonder what on earth I was thinking. It’s like if you’ve suddenly noticed that you’ve been clenching your teeth hard for several minutes, and then you open your jaw and everything feels right again and you wonder why you were ever clenching your teeth that hard. It’s a scary feeling but it feels so liberating and peaceful when that immense pressure is lifted and your brain works normally again.

And I did reach that point last night. I did find peace again and the darkness was dispelled.

Today in the aftermath of the previous night’s breakdown, I was feeling a little aimless. The Ensign happened to be opened to President Uchtdorf’s message in that priesthood session, exactly what had been referred to me by that family member. The title of that talk was, “Bearers of Heavenly Light.” As someone who had just passed through a cloud of emotional and spiritual darkness, this meant something to me.

Especially when it got to this passage:

During my flights as an airline captain across our planet earth, I was always fascinated by the beauty and perfection of God’s creation. I found especially captivating the relationship between the earth and the sun. I consider it a profound object lesson of how darkness and light exist.

As we all know, within every 24 hours night turns to day and day turns to night.

So, then, what is night?

Night is nothing more than a shadow.

Even in the darkest of nights, the sun does not cease to radiate its light. It continues to shine as bright as ever. But half of the earth is in darkness.

The absence of light causes darkness.

I love this analogy. I always have. It’s not even really an analogy, but a deep and profound truth, the kind that works across many layers of the universe’s creation, a celestial, cosmological pattern. When it is nighttime and we are in darkness, it is not permanent. No matter the trial He calls us to go through, no matter the pain and loneliness, the sunlight of God’s love is always there, even if it is hidden from us for a time. And inevitably the earth will turn, a new day will come, and the light will shine in our faces and in our hearts again. And note—it comes from the heavens, from the celestial body itself.

But Elder Uchtdorf neglects to include an essential element of this analogy, this pattern. An element both material and symbolic: the symbol of moonlight.

When it is in the darkest part of night, the deepest and farthest away from heaven’s light, our hope and our faith need not be blind. We need not merely trust that sometime the darkness will end. We have physical proof that the sun still shines! The moon, that other celestial body, proves it. When you see the moon, you see the sun. For the light projecting from that lunar surface is not projecting at all, but reflecting. The moon is a mirror of God’s light and love, proof of His presence when He cannot be there with us directly. When through fiery trials our pathway may lie, we still have emblems of His love, knowledge that though He may not be right here, He is still near, and He has not left us alone. I used this symbol prominently in a story I wrote many years ago.

But it hit me personally in a very real way a long time ago, when I was dealing with bipolar disorder without the the help of medication. It was the middle of the night, and I was driving aimlessly wracked with despair. Playing in the CD player was a mix of orchestrated Final Fantasy music. At a crucial moment, a particular song came on: “You’re Not Alone,” a track played in Final Fantasy IX towards the end, when the main character has just learned a devastating truth about his origins and, after a lifetime of going out of his way to help other people, feels totally alone. This music plays while, one by one, his friends and party members rejoin him as he fights a sequence of terrible battles. A moment comes in the orchestrated version of this song that feels like a climax, around the 3:15 mark. Please listen so you can hear and hopefully feel what I’m talking about!

As I was saying, this song came on while I was driving, while I was crying and praying over the steering wheel. And as I said, I already held this symbol of moonlight in my heart from a novel I had finished recently. In yet another story I was working on, I always envisioned a scene with the above music playing. And at that 3:15 climax, one character declares to another character also suffering in a pit of despair, “Solihim Metagon! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!”

That point in the music came right as I was turning a corner. Right as the trees opened up, revealing a cloudless starry sky—and a full moon beaming down on me.

Of course I drove the rest of the way home in sobs. That was something like ten years ago. The bipolar still gets me. Not as bad as it used to, thank goodness. But that black cloud still creeps over my light from time to time, convinces me the nighttime is forever.

But even in nighttime, there is moonlight.

One of the three major symbols of my book The Hero Doctrine is, along with sword and shield, the “mirror.” The moon, as a reflector of the sun’s light, is a kind of mirror in its own right. In that book I ask the reader to become a “mirror of God.”

Elder Uchtdorf, though speaking to priesthood holders in this address, really asks the same of us:

As a bearer of God’s priesthood and as a disciple of Jesus Christ, you are a bearer of light. Keep doing the things that will nurture His divine light. “Hold up your light”13 and “let [it] shine before men”—not so that they will see and admire you, but “that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.”14

My dear brothers, you are instruments in the hands of the Lord with the purpose of bringing light and healing to the souls of Heavenly Father’s children. Perhaps you do not feel qualified to heal those who are spiritually ill—certainly not any more than a post office employee is qualified to help with arthritis. Maybe you face spiritual challenges of your own. Nevertheless, the Lord has called you. He has given you authority and responsibility to reach out to those in need. He has endowed you with His sacred priesthood power to bring light into the darkness and uplift and bless God’s children. God has restored His Church and His precious gospel, “which healeth the wounded soul.”15 He has prepared the path to spiritual wellness, to find healing from stagnation and move toward vibrant spiritual health.

In being mirrors of God and bearers of heavenly moonlight, we can be there for others when they are struggling. We can be there for someone to talk to, someone who will just listen to the pains and trials and temptations of others when they are in their nighttime.

Whose life can you light up today? Who needs to feel the love of God through you? Whom can you help come unto Christ so that their affliction, whether it be physical or emotional and spiritual, can be healed?

The moon, whenever it shines, is in a position where it can see the sun. When we are able to bask in sunlight, we are commanded, not by me or even Elder Uchtdorf but by Christ, the creator of the celestial bodies Himself, to reflect that light to those in the dark.

Therefore, hold up your light that it may shine unto the world. Behold I am the light which ye shall hold up—that which ye have seen me do. (3 Nephi 18:24)


“Satan’s Angle” – Deleted excerpt from “The Hero Doctrine”

[The following is a brief passage from my book The Hero Doctrine that didn’t make the final cut. In the context of the book it is meant to contrast some of Satan’s goals and methods of achieving those goals to Heavenly Father’s. It is not comprehensive by any means—the novel I am working on now, Sea of Chaos, will be closer to that—but I think it is still insightful. After this passage is a short poem I wrote on Lucifer’s perspective that, alas, did not get far the in the Mormon Lit Blitz last year.]


“…Satan …sought to destroy the agency of man…to deceive and to blind men, and to lead them captive at his will, even as many as would not hearken unto my voice.” (Moses 4:3-4)

Satan, our common enemy, also works with particular methods, and they have only been refined over the thousands of years this war has been waged. It will be a worthwhile thing to briefly go over a few of those methods Satan uses to counter the work of our Father in Heaven, for only in knowing the strategies of the enemy can we hope to avoid his attacks.

Satan’s primary objective is to reverse the process of growth towards godhood, and distort those truths that govern eternity. Satan wants us to see this world and this life as having little meaning or purpose other than living for one’s self. Above all Satan seeks to deprive us of our agency, and thus deprive us of our potential to become like Heavenly Father.

To do this he has convinced many in the world that we are animals, bundles of fleshy matter that possess no agency, slaves to passion and impulse, living by instincts and desires alone. If he tricks us into seeing ourselves only as animals, we take from ourselves our own agency, claiming we are simply “born this way” and there’s simply nothing we can do about it but indulge. This kind of thinking burns the bridge between us and God, leaving us seemingly willingly stranded on the island of a lower kingdom.

In the plan he presented to the grand council in heaven, Lucifer would take consequences away, hence destroying the foundation of the world: cause and consequence, choice and accountability. He also tries to erase guilt from our collective culture, the primary way by which God lets us know we’ve done something wrong.

In many religious cultures, Satan has preached the poison that God is actually a spirit without a body, a being closer to Satan himself, all to lower God to his own level, and to persuade us to hate our bodies as something evil and sinful. He also has denigrated the holy act of having children, and turned our society away from the most sacred of duties—caring for a brand new life, giving a baby love and food and protection, producing and raising and molding an entirely new soul. The ideal of parenthood as the greatest of goods and children as the most precious of assets is fading, crumbling, and treated lightly, even crudely. Parents these days are expected to merely stand by and let the child decide everything for themselves, and be who and what they’re born as, rather than teach these children who and what they may become.

Children are commonly seen as an inconvenience rather than a blessing, and their termination in the womb is a casual, everyday thing, a normalized way of sidestepping responsibility for the choice that created the developing child in the first place. Bear in mind, in terminating a developing embryo or fetus, one also terminates the consequences of that original procreative choice, thus finding another channel to eradicate agency. It is ironic that to be “pro-choice” one must support an action that extinguishes the consequence of previously made choices.

And so instead of heeding the most important of callings, people are convinced that whatever work they do outside the home has the most bearing on society. As if every single worker out there in the world is as irreplaceable as a loving father or mother!

I’ll admit, this paradigm fills me with genuine outrage. Why is the desire to create life and foster its development — the very measure of our creation — so looked down upon by the world? Why is it considered a lesser calling? Satan is quashing that divinely-inherited instinct to create human beings with the far lower desire to create a business; he is crushing true creation in the eyes of the world, destroying, in people’s minds, God’s own work and glory. The institutions of marriage and family are falling away, dissolving into an amorphous, undefined state in which they can mean anything and everything a person wants them to mean.

This, in turn, erodes conceptions of God. Elder Quentin L. Cook taught that “Efforts to distort and destroy the family are designed to keep the Father’s children from feeling His love drawing them back home to Him. Abusive male authority figures, out-of-wedlock births, unwanted children, and other social challenges of our day make it harder for those who suffer them to comprehend, hope for, and have faith in a righteous, loving, and caring Father. Just as the Father seeks to help us know Him, the adversary uses every means possible to come between the Father and us. Fortunately, there is no power, sin, or condition that can keep us from the love of the Father. Because God loved us first, we can come to know Him and love Him.”



The first thing he saw was God.

He saw the majestic sweep of His arm,
How it bid mountains bow, and winds still,
How it arranged atoms and framed stars,
How it curled to cradle his brothers and sisters.

He saw all this and hungered for it.

At the grand council he put forth his plan:
Anoint him, and embrace simplicity, mercy, and ease.
Redemption for all no matter their path.
And he, he would be their beloved god.

But Father’s arm held him back.

A god must be free to fall, He said.
So let them know the world entire,
To walk past the angels one day on their own feet,
Or to venture down forbidden paths—like you.

Rejected! His plan of ease and mercy!

Spurned by the lights he tried to bring forth,
He walked his own path down to the deep.
Followed by angels of his own,
He plotted a chaos he could command.

To hell with simplicity.

The children wanted knowledge?
Then he’d deliver them God’s flame of glory,
Stolen from the great Soulsmith’s forge—
Fire meant for purging, a furnace meant for refining—

And burn them with it.

For when we sin (for the thousandth time) and feel the need to pull away from our Savior:

You mess up and feel the need to be apart from God via prayer for a while. You aren’t worthy of speaking to God. Why would God listen to you when you’re covered in spiritual slime? You might regret it now, after the fact, but you made that choice consciously, knowingly. You’re still the same person you were when you made your mistake and you can’t change the past! You could have sought God then, but you didn’t. You’re trying to have it both ways: a relationship with God and the pleasures of the sin.

How dare you.

From Ardeth Greene Kapp:

It is often in the valleys with our afflictions that we are truly humbled and better prepared to remember the gift of eternal life for which he paid the price—those times when we feel least worthy, least comfortable about carrying his holy name, and have a keener sense of our imperfections, those moments when flesh is weak and our spirits suffer disappointment for our errors and our sins. We might feel a sense of withdrawal, a pulling away, a feeling of needing to set aside for a time at least that divine relationship with the Savior until we are more worthy. But at that very moment, even in our unworthiness, the offer is again given to us to accept the great gift of the Atonement—even before we change. When we feel the need to pull away, let us reach out to him. Instead of feeling the need to resist, let us submit to his will. Let us bend our will as well as our knees in humble supplication.

This is my message to myself:

How dare you? You have it wrong. How dare you—not for in sin seeking for God, but for speaking for God. How dare you pre-empt the message of His Spirit with self-hatred! He is not angry with you, ready to dole out his wrath, but crying with you for your pain. It is because of that pain, that regret, that ache of frustration for a change that seems so impossible to reach, that you are still worthy to call on His name, and to bathe in the warm and cleansing waters of the Atonement.

There is only one true sin in this world and it is pride. All the rest are merely bumps and bruises for your soul on your path to salvation and exaltation. If you have pride, and refuse to look in the direction of that brazen serpent (to which the path leads), then you are living in sin. But if you are looking in the right direction, and remain humble even as you stumble and trip and fall, and as you try to right yourself and make sincere attempts to step only in the holy places—in other words, if you are repenting of your mistakes, you are worthy before Him, because that is what the Atonement is for.

We are commanded to keep ourselves spotless before the world. But this does not mean we never get them dirty—-but that we continually wash ourselves through repentance and humility.

Christ has many names, but my favorite is Mercy. The hand of Mercy reaches out, still.

The God Who Weeps over Jess Mariano

God weeps. You wouldn’t think the high-school-diploma-lacking “bad boy” of Gilmore Girls (as apparently you females affectionately and annoyingly refer to him) could teach you about that, or about anything, really, but recently Jess Mariano inadvertently did so.

(If you haven’t yet seen Gilmore Girls, consider it strongly! Though perhaps don’t expect regular theological parables.)

I used to hate Jess. I hated how much Rory found herself attracted to him. I was always a Dean guy (Season 4’s ending did away with that) because he was the type of person I thought I was most like. Not his handsomeness or anything (Dean’s way above my league), but how devoted he was to Rory, how he never took her for granted and served her selflessly. But then she came to take him for granted! She ignored the articles of his affection and instead fell for the guy who was a jerk, who taunted Dean for his cuckish devotion and just pestered Rory with his rebellious presence until she finally gave in and broke Dean’s heart. 

I still hate that particular aspect of Jess. I hate that obnoxious guys get girls. So unfair.

But—over the years, my reading of the story has changed. Matured might be a better word. 

In the show, we understand Jess’s angry attitude a little bit at first. He’s been sent against his will to live with his uncle Luke by his flaky single mother. He never knew his father, who left the two of them shortly after Jess’s birth. The town he’s been sent to live in represents everything that he hates. Nobody understands him, at least in his mind, and he has almost no control over his own life.

But his anger and rebellious attitude rapidly overstays its welcome. He secretly stops going to school every day so he can earn more money at his hourly wage job, explicitly breaking Luke’s rule for him (trying to get him to graduate high school). He’s a jerk to every adult whose path he crosses, even and especially the ones who try to be nice to him. He rejects every helping hand offered and resents Luke for seeking his long-term welfare over his short-term comfort. And he’s an obnoxious jerk to both Dean and Rory as he seeks to steal her away.

He doesn’t have to do any of this. He could be in pain and still make good choices. He doesn’t.

But his arc takes him to a place where I find myself in deepest sympathy. Empathy, actually. A place where I finally understand him.

It took me a few watches, but I finally got just how important Rory was to Jess. She was the only good thing in his life, the only ray of light. Everyone was else was telling him what to do, ignoring his pain, never allowing him to breathe. Rory was the one thing he wanted that he got.

Though he skips school frequently, he remains under the delusion that he can still catch up and graduate at the normal time. He’s a whip smart guy who is reading constantly, even as he hates the structure school boxes him into. But he’s told he’s not graduating. He has to take senior year over again. Worst of all, this means he can’t go to Senior Prom with Rory.

You really have to be paying attention to the show to see just how humiliating this is for Jess, how much pain it causes. It’s written more in what he doesn’t say to her, what he doesn’t do, than what he does.

Having never received proper parenting, he never learned healthy emotional expression. He bottles up his pain, his frustration, and can’t bring himself to tell any of it to Rory, nor to Luke. Though it’s never made explicit, he clearly feels that he’s failed Rory, he’s failed Luke, and he’s failed himself.

At this time, the deadbeat father he never knew shows up in town. He visits Luke’s diner where Jess works, and almost leaves again without saying a word to Jess out of his own fear and embarrassment. They end up having a single moment together in which Jess knows the man is his father before his father flees the scene. Jess is left stranded emotionally, almost gasping.

Shortly thereafter, Jess flees the town too. He flees Rory without telling her he’s leaving, Luke without graduating high school, and takes a bus across the country where his father lives. His lousy father has no idea what to do with him, and doesn’t even want Jess staying in his place for the night. Even when Jess finally reveals his vulnerability and begs his father for a place to crash for the night, his father is reluctant.

Jess has nothing. Absolutely nothing. And after this we don’t see him again in the show for a long, long time.

In Terryl and Fiona Givens’s book, The God Who Weeps, they write that the main reason God cries tears over His children—exemplified in the Book of Moses when Enoch witnesses God’s tears—is for the pain we feel as a consequence of sin. The natural results we garner when we act against God’s commandments. He weeps for our pain, and especially our unnecessary pain, even though it is completely our own fault.

The idea is intriguing, but not exactly fair. Shouldn’t He be more tearful over the pain of His righteous people? Isn’t the pain that comes from unrighteous choices not only completely deserved, but the whole point of this earth?

But Gilmore Girls has helped me appreciate this idea better. Through Jess I feel like I’ve caught a slice of the eternal perspective

So much of Jess’s pain was self-inflicted. He could have tried to humble himself and graduate high school. He could have apologized to Luke for his attitude once in a while. He could have been honest with Rory, or even respected her and Dean’s relationship and treated her better from the start. He could have worked hard within the structure he was placed and found success long-term and gone to the prom with Rory in the short-term. Maybe he could have married her someday, too. As viewers of the whole show, including the reunion episodes that came out recently, can attest, he never gets over his feelings for Rory, even as she moves on after he leaves.

He could have avoided all that. He chose not to. He deserves his pain, right?

Maybe. But I have come to feel so sad for him, to feel real heartbreak for him. Almost to the point of crying, myself.

Sea of Chaos – Opening

phu-quoc-gray-ocean(image taken from

The city was a sea of gray. The sooted streets of slate diminished by disrepair and the surrounding waters a dismal, drowning taupe in their reflection of the constant clouds. The snow-like powders that went into greasy pipes and the cigarettes that blackened lungs. The silver knives stained from daily use, and the guns a frigid, polished shine. The seagulls picking trash with more discrimination than orphans and ravens feasting on the corpses without prejudice. The hollowed, steel blue buildings darkened by ash, and the fog a hungry ghost, enveloping all of it like a death shroud.

The forces themselves were night and day, a towering mass of neon black versus a quiet whisper’s worth of white, but the people, the heaving waves of people—they themselves, and they alone, were gray.

Roc was one water droplet amongst so many. His little doings, his quest for daily bread, splashed and foamed and got tossed around as one with all the others. We might call him a little one, about eight years old. But there were no true little ones in Oshana, and neither did the city track the years. He and they only knew the local astronomy—day and night, cool and cold, a time to scavenge and a time to hide. He matured as fast as anyone else: immediately, because he had to.

And yet he was different. For his little waterdrop kept crashing down nearer and nearer to the shore. The moon still pulled him back through the lubricated grains of soft, soaked sand, but so also did it let him taste the drier, harder grains. Though he knew that taste had never touched his tongue that he could remember, a deepness inside ached for it like homesickness.

This day dawned in clouds, as it always did. Roc poked his head out from between the bursting garbage sacks that were his fortress and flipped his head both ways down the alley. The stench of urine that was ingrained in cement and brick had performed its duty again: no threats laid in either direction. No hungry bullies to break his thumbs, no drugged-up ranters on a rave, no darkers out for blood.

Like a sparrow he hopped out of the trash and over to the alley’s end. A blast of wind hit his face and he ducked back. The wind died down and he made his way out and over to the city’s edge to perform his morning ritual. He ducked beneath a broken set of concrete stairs once attached to a nearby crumbling structure and stared through the gaps.

The sight of the Bridge never ceased to amaze him. The titanic structure of cement and steel arched over the unsettled sea and disappeared into a wall of fog. Roc assumed, from the painted lanes on the dried tar, that cars were once meant to cross it. But as far as Roc knew, neither cars nor anything else had made that journey since ancient times. Not even the cars of the Rose or the Namers. Nor even the Sea itself.

A hundred yards down, the lanes wrapped around a towering lighthouse rising out of the fog. Once as white as its light, the beacon’s bricks had been charred and stained by a mix of pollutions. Its duty of illumination had turned dark. These days Roc had only ever seen it used to spot people trying to leave the city by boat. But it held no fear for him, like it did for so many other kids. He was more afraid of what might lie beyond that wall of whiteness than what was here in the city.

The armed men who stood guard at the Bridge’s entrance—people called them the Sentinels—well, they didn’t scare him either. The Sentinels were silent men, nameless and still, like a legion of chess pieces, or rows of gravestones. He understood what they did, but not why, and that mystery was part of the gravity that drew Roc here every morning. Nothing about their manner ever gave away their reasoning. Roc had never even heard them talk. They hefted their big guns casually, almost lazily, as if waiting for something to do.

No one had tried today. Not yet, anyway.

Roc leaned out to lick the dew off the rusted metal rail and suck air in through his nose. Condensation produced the cleanest water he’d ever tasted outside the saloons, and the sea’s salt purged the urine from his nostrils.

Drawing back, Roc saw him. He was here again. The other observer, the one across the street. The rough-cheeked, black-haired man with the eyepatch and the motorcycle and the dark jacket. Roc had seen him here many times, but not every day, and considered him a deeper mystery than the guards. Especially those gloves on his hands. Even Roc, as little and obscure as he was, knew gloves were illegal. The man must have been either powerful or fearless. Roc guessed just fearless. But the fearless in Oshana either died quickly or became powerful.

Either way, a good person for a friend, Roc thought. And even though they’d never spoken, that’s how Roc thought of him. Maybe not a friend, but an ally. Maybe not an ally, but a protector.

Something about the idea was comforting. It just felt right—or close to right.

Today, more than any day before, the man’s left-eyed gaze on the Bridge seemed to go far beyond the cement and steel. Deep into the fog, into places and feelings Roc was blind to.

Then they heard footsteps and a racked whimpering. Both heads turned.

A teenaged girl wrapped in rags was shuffling down the middle of the street. She clutched a threadbare shawl around her neck. Cotton, with more holes than cloth. Probably provided only the illusion of warmth. The fog had buried the slip-slip of her footsteps and her bloodied, ragged breathing until she was nearly parallel with Roc. This close he could see the snot running down the shivering cheeks, dripping even into her lips. She passed through the two observers like they were open gates.

Roc’s heart beat a little faster. He knew what was about to happen. She was nearing the real gates. There was no defined line to cross, only the dried puddles of brownish-red stain that stretched across the intersecting streets. Once in a spate of hard thinking, Roc had figured that this vague area created a space of uncertainty that attracted the runners. If you were trying to cross, but hoping for the best, you would never know the exact moment. Maybe you’d even feel a little hope. The Sentinels weren’t going to do it! Not this time! This time you were special, and you were the only one who’d get past, the one who’d get to see lie beyond the Bridge, and inside the world of fog.

And of course that would be the last spark of electricity that surged through your brain, because then your brains would be spilled out onto the ground.

At the last second Roc turned away, and looked up at his friend’s lightly bearded face across the street. The mouth he saw was open but empty, like it was trying and failing to muster words. The shoulders below it were tense as if about to lunge. The man did not.

The successive cracks rang out and Roc’s whole body jolted, like it always did (because you never knew just when). He looked just in time to see the girl perforated with bullets. Her scream died pitifully as she collapsed. Blood pooled around her and added a new layer to the shapeless stains.

Roc looked to his friend again. The mouth had closed, but the jaw was quivering as three of the Sentinels ventured out to retrieve the girl’s body. One raised his gun on the eyepatch while the other two dragged the girl’s body by the arms over to the water’s edge. They lifted her over the short concrete barrier and dropped her fifty feet into the drink. Roc heard a splash. They resumed their post without speaking.

How many skeletons must lie sleeping on that sea floor, Roc thought.

On the other side, that one eye was so fixated on the girl’s burial that the man did not hear Roc approach from the side—the first time the boy had ever worked up his courage to do so. Today he needed to know why this man did it. Why he watched, like Roc did.

Roc could have explained that he watched because there were things you could do that made you stop moving, that made blood come out of your skin. And that if you followed those rules, you could keep moving, and keep your skin together.

But Roc did not explain. Could not.

“Why?” he said to the man.

The man answered, and yet in such a manner that Roc wasn’t sure if he’d been noticed at all.

“I need to see myself,” the man said in a hollow voice that shocked Roc for its mildness. “I need to know myself.”

Roc was close enough to really see the man’s remaining eye—a shining sea-blue of an eye that stood out all the more against the blackness of his hair, beard, and jacket—and see how its beacon-like light was directed inward. Roc was close enough to see tears trickle out of that eye, and down into the wilderness of his unshaven cheeks. Roc was close enough to tug on that jacket if he wanted, to get him to look down at the child who had wanted safety and security and companionship all his life but never even knew the words to describe it.

“The city is clothed in its own nakedness,” the man whispered.

But it didn’t help Roc, for, despite being mere inches away, Roc was still not close enough to understand.

My new e-book: When Once They Had Voices (stories from my JRPG “Voiceless”)


This past year I’ve been working on a different sort of project than my usual novels: a video game. Specifically, a JRPG (what is essentially a story-based game). My friend and colleague Kyle Bryant is doing the programming and most of the work to actually bring the game to life (and a shout out to Greg Bayles for our character art and Gordon Goesch for his contributions to the RPG mechanics), but the world and story and characters are my own.

Voiceless is inspired by the silent protagonists of the original Final Fantasy game. I take the idea of these silent, chosen heroes and make it concrete. Their silence is not just a function of the gameplay (allowing the player to insert him- or herself into their role), but a real and deep story question: why are they silent? Why keep their lips sealed? Is it a curse? Is it by choice? Some sort of vow of silence? There’s a big answer behind that, and I hope you play the game when it comes out to find out just what it is.

Kyle mentioned something in a phone call much earlier in the year when talking about how hard it can be to make your indie JRPG stand out from a big pack. It was something to the effect of, “People like short stories.”

That struck me. It thrilled me, actually. I could do something that I already knew how to do, something that could actually help sales of the game and maybe allow me to even create something substantial and artistic in the process. So I happily took on that project. Now, several months later, the short stories are done.

At the time I’d already sketched out some of the backstories of these characters, stories meant to be revealed as the player goes through sidequests towards the end of the game. But composing them as full, legitimate short stories in an anthology allowed me to dig in far deeper, to make their tales something literary. And so besides the many perspectives on a world at war against a demonic uprising, I wanted to tell each story from a slightly different literary angle. Among these tales you’ll see not just short stories, but also an epic ballad, a curator’s description of an artist’s paintings, and a cryptic poem of pure expression by the most mysterious of them (whom you will not know until you play the game).

And now it’s on Amazon for just $2.99: When Once They Had Voices: A Prelude Anthology to Voiceless

The description from Amazon:

You don’t really know someone until you’ve heard their voice. They come in different forms, for different reasons, with different volumes, but all cry out for one sole reason: to be heard.

A ballad written by a chubby young boy with a speech impediment. A series of paintings that tell the story of a bastard child conceived in horror and muted by an inner rage. The chime of a young healer’s bell that puts her on a path to retrieve her voice from the demon that stole her beloved away. These and others are the stories of those who fought through darkness and despair to give voice to their souls—voices that were eventually taken away from them…and if returned, may prove the destruction of their world.

This anthology provides a companion backstory to Voiceless, an upcoming JRPG from Four Ends Games. Only by playing Voiceless and reading these stories can you discover the ultimate secrets of these silent protagonists and know the true depths of their loss. Cast your mind back to theses tales as you play the rest of the story in Voiceless and ensure their sacrifice was not in vain.

Check out Kyle’s developer website for more info on the game’s progress.

Why We Write Fiction


Novelists are con men (and women). We write stories to trick people. The goal of the trick is make the reader think that what they’re reading, what the novelist is writing, matters. This of course applies to films and video games and even visual artists. What these people are doing, myself included, is show you a world that doesn’t actually exist except inside your head, and trying to get you to invest some part of yourself into that world, whether that’s some of your time, your emotions, or even your soul.

Some readers are more susceptible to this trickery than others. They devour anything they can get their hands on. They hunger for new worlds and new friends and to see evil defeated (perhaps unsatisfied with Good’s progress in the real world).

Some writers are more talented at tricking than others. They can get even the most reluctant reader to flip through pages and forget the real world for a time while forcing you to care about theirs. They are founts of creation, designing worlds that their readers naturally immerse themselves in, birthing characters that can be more real than a stranger on the street, and offer peace to a troubled soul through good’s triumph over evil, or if not, showing the reader truth and beauty despite evil continuing to exist even in their pretended world.

Sometimes we forget that these worlds are fake. But nonetheless, can’t we agree that these fake things can have powerful effects on reality? That’s the magic of fiction, whether in books, films, games, whatever.

“Tell me one last thing,” said Harry. “Is this real? Or has this been happening inside my head?”

Dumbledore beamed at him, and his voice sounded loud and strong in Harry’s ears even though the bright mist was descending again, obscuring his figure.

“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”

So it is a trick. It is happening inside your head. But it can be no less real than anything else in your life if it goes on to affect that life.

So what’s my point?

Fiction writers: if you’re going to make your readers/players/viewers care deeply about something that is no real, make it matter in reality, too. The creation of worlds is an immensely powerful tool, and with that power comes great responsibility. So don’t waste it, or misuse it. Use your power wisely and for that aforementioned Good’s sake. You can change people with your stories, so change them for the better.

The Parallels of Celestial and Civilized Cultures


Elder Neal A. Maxwell writes in 1978 about the values and virtues of civilization so bereft in 2017:

The prophet Moroni said, “Despair cometh because of iniquity.” (Moroni 10:22) When iniquity increases, so do despair and alienation. Paul also said the ignorance of the everlasting truths would cause unbelievers to be “alienated from the life of God.” (Ephesians 4:18) No wonder we despair when we sin, because we act against our own interests and against who we really are. When we are imprisoned by iniquity, we turn the cell lock ourselves.

It is striking when one catalogs those virtues that come to the fore when people act from an eternal perspective and then also catalogs those virtues that are necessary for wise mortal civilization. What does one see? He sees in both the urgent need for brotherhood and civility. He sees in gospel goals the requirement for self-discipline—and then the same requirement for a free society, since a republic rests, as an unknown writer has said, on “obedience to the unenforceable”; people must checkreign their appetites for their own good and for the good of society.

He sees, both in the celestial culture for which he is preparing and in our civilization which he struggles to maintain, that a high premium is placed on individual accountability. He sees in both settings the importance of deferred gratification so that the emphasis on now does not swallow up everything else; there must be thought and deference to generations yet unborn. He sees in both the requirements for real regard for the basic institution of the family.

Both the man of religion and the civilized man see the need to avoid covetousness, for envy is still envy even when it is politicized. Both also see the importance of not bearing false witness either by gossip or by inaccurate and misleading headlines.

In both a theocracy and a genuine democracy there is an overriding concern with personal freedom, for neither personal nor political liberty will last long when inappropriate appetites go unchecked in displays of disregard for people and their property. Salvation and secular survival require the same virtues in the citizenry. The plea for basic values is also a fervent plea for the preservation of civilization, which values must accord with things as they really are.

No wonder we need timeless truths against which to test the lures of the moment. The great truths about things as they really are are immune to obsolescence.

In departing from mortal civilization’s virtues, we fall too from the celestial.

We are still falling.

God’s Number One Priority

Hint: It’s not goodness or righteousness or even the salvation of His children.


I saw this post on Twitter the other day, and it got me thinking.

Here’s my response:

The ensuing discussion I had with this man (who engaged with me generally without hostility) was very enlightening. I realized that we had fundamentally different views on what freedom is and what it entailed. Hence the huge disagreement in our political views.

Now, the point is not those political views. The real point is my initial response. I can want an America where you are free to choose poorly and I can also want my fellow Americans not to choose poorly at the same time. I can want people to be free to make their own choices and also attempt to persuade them not to make those choices at the same time. I can see people do stupid things and elect poor leaders and also not want to make those decisions for them at the same time.

This is the principle and priority of agency. And I do my best to maintain it—a part of me DOES want to make those choices for them, because all of us are convinced we’re right and that we’d make a good king—because I try to take God’s view on the matter, and prioritize certain elements of this world the way He does.

Our Heavenly Father is a God of love, first and foremost. The grand purpose for everything He does in this world is our salvation and our exaltation, the immortality and eternal life of His children. He lives, He works, He creates, He shapes, for us.

But is our salvation, the grand end He has in mind for us, the fruit for which He is doing so much planting and cultivating with His omnipotent power—is it His first priority?

If it is, why do so many fall away?

We can know how God prioritizes by observing the events of the pre-mortal realm: “A third part of the hosts of heaven turned…away from me because of their agency,” God says (D&C 29:36). A third part of the hosts of heaven will remain in hell, away from God’s saving and transformative power—by their own free will and choice.

God did not interfere to stop them. He did not put a wall on that path to hell, and force those eternally young spirits to come back to heaven, to agree to His plan, and come to Earth with a goal to partake of the Atonement’s power and become Christlike and Godlike.

Human beings are not chess pieces. Rather, we are of the race of gods. And agency is that race’s most defining characteristic. It’s been said that a free agent is a god in embryo, like how a seed that will one day grow into a tree. The difference is that we can choose to grow and transform, or we can choose not to. The choice to achieve exaltation, by definition, cannot be made by anyone but the being itself, for a god is not merely a biological being, but also a spiritual one.

The biological part of our godlike beings is our physical body, like God’s in shape and form, but not like God’s in perfection until we are resurrected. That part, the biological perfection, is taken care of for us by the Savior. But we are responsible for the perfecting process of the spiritual half. Being spiritual, that process is reliant on personal choice and accountability. If we don’t choose it, it might as well not happen for it reflects nothing of who and what we are.

Neither goodness nor evil are possible without agency. If God took away ten percent of our income—as is technically His right—then the tithing we contribute would be the result of an amoral act, insignificant of who we have decided to be because it has nothing to do with us. There would be no point to it, because God’s purpose is a spiritual progression, and our souls are tied to and defined by our choices. God wants our wills far more than He wants our possessions.

This spills over into political philosophy, particularly where socialism is concerned. Communism and its shadows are satanic counterfeits of Zion’s economy of consecration. Both envision a utopia of economic equality. But in communism (and socialism) the government simply takes your money and, theoretically, redistributes it evenly to everybody, making all equal. Let’s put aside the fact that no mortal government could do this effectively, and that any mortal government run by frail human beings with that kind of power would boil over with corruption and tyrannical uprisings. Instead we can make a moral argument: this kind of society prevents its citizens from making choices. This kind of society compels equality, coerces its citizens to give to the poor, foists “good” choices upon the people. If you’re thinking, Hey, that sounds like Satan’s alternative plan to God’s plan of salvation—you’re absolutely right. And that’s why Satan’s plan wouldn’t work, why it wouldn’t actually produce exalted beings. We would be nothing! Absolute zeroes.

In Zion, meanwhile, no man or woman lives above another by choice. We do not get Zion by overthrowing a government and passing laws that all must live by or go to prison, but by simply choosing to live that way ourselves. God does not compel anyone to live in Zion. We go there, we live God’s law, and remain on an equal plane with our fellow man and sacrifice for one another out of love and by our own free will and choice.

There is no other path to growth and godhood but through our own choices and choice-making. And that’s why, though God sends His servants to persuade us to do good, He allows us to make those choices without coercion or compulsion. He does not generally punish us in this life, but allows us to learn by natural consequence alone. That is why there is both good and evil in this world, this testing ground, and why it is essential to God’s plan. Without agency and its resulting effects, no one in this life could ever be like God, and His work would be for naught.

Salvation and exaltation are not possible without first a foundation of free beings to choose them. There is no other way.

“The Sound of Impotence Trying to Reassure Itself”

“Yes, there is a mirth that can be heard among mortals who are estranged from the living God and from things as they really are. But it is a melancholy mirth. The jokes by drinkers about drunkenness are but an attempt to mock that which mocks them. Those who boast and chortle about their sexual conquests are boasting of that which has actually conquered them. The backroom laughter of power brokers over the latest triumph is but contempt for those they say they serve; it is also the sound of impotence trying to reassure itself.”

—Neal A. Maxwell